heart algebra

number one was never supposed to exist, which is probably why he dissolved at 0.75. the risk was too great, the numbers didn't add up.

number two was what appeared to be the grand finale. fireworks, rolling drum lines of heartbeats, blurring colored smoke. two was built on the idea of eternity; but two is divisible, even if he didn't believe it. so divided it became.

number three was a flicker not even worth mentioning, despite all the talk of three being a magic number. 

number four surprised all. as a multiple of two, i feared the same divisible fate. but four brought more to the table than two ever did. more stable, as he brought the two extra numbers, four is trust. four is sensitive. four is logic. four is my heart.

the next numbers don't exist yet, and who knows how high they'll go.

 all i know is that
one taught me how to dream
 two will always and forever be a snippet of eternity
three will always make me feel awkward inside
and four will never let me forget that love is spelled with his many letters

to the humans

to the girl with the cello on her back-
    i had a dream about you that made me wary... which angers me. because i think you have a kind soul and i wanted us to be friends. i'm sorry if i can't see you that way now. it's my subconscious's fault, not yours.

to the boy with the stereo on the back of his backpack-
    you were the closest i got to making a friend in the ward, and then i blew it by not going over for the mario tournament. sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i had... i'd probably be more social.

to the girl with the light up pillow pet-
     i'm sorry that i'm distant and quiet and the messiest. i have a feeling that this isn't what you envisioned, and tbh it's not what i envisioned either. i'd leave, but i love you.

to the boy with the tie die socks and the bright eyes-
    you made me feel like i could do this whole college thing, that one time we talked. and now i see that you're in men's chorus and since i was the one who told you about auditions that one time we talked, i'd like to think i had something to do with that.

to the girl with all the boys falling over her-
    i'm sorry that the one boy you fell over decided to stand up. i wish i knew what advice to give, how about over a jamba?

to the girl with the curly hair and strong heart-
     i'm so proud of you, and i'm so sorry that i'm so distant. i love you.

to the boy with the texas accent and libertarian ideals-
    thanks for being his friend, and thanks for helping me with poli-sci.

to the girl with the nose piercing-
    you turned out to be everything i expected and feared you would be... but you aren't so bad. we're very different creatures, you and i, but you've taught me a lot.

to the boy an ocean and a year away-
    i'm sorry i failed you. and i'm sorry i haven't written in two weeks.... i promise it's been an accident each time. i looked at old pictures yesterday and was tempted to cry, but then i realized that i had no need and no tears. we've good memories and i'll never forget you, but i'm done. sorry.

to the girl with the little red hood-
     you aren't so innocent anymore, which is probably good. but it came at an invisible cost that i don't think you've realized yet. your pride has always been your unconscious downfall, and i honestly don't feel like talking to you anymore. but i promise i will, because for all the loss of innocence, you still need an older sister. sorry to you, too.

to the 6'5" boy with the handel's messiah stuck in his head,
     thank you for allowing a lost and unorganized human such as myself to be with you. thank you for showing me that my life is still unwritten and full of unknown. thank you for the softness and goodness. i love you.

i'm dealing with it.

the problem with being a person who just "deals with it" is that you're the minority.
the problem with being a person who silently gets over things is that other people aren't.
the problem with being a person who isn't easily offended is that you don't know the rules.

so you learn the rules.

and then your shoes get worn out from tiptoeing everyone's feelings
and now you know how to not offend people
because heaven forbid that you should wake their upset heart
because that's when the true trouble begins

because most people aren't afraid to tell you when they're offended and that they aren't going to get over it unless this and this and this and this and you're always in the wrong but they never are because you never speak up even when they over speak up and you just can't because they just don't understand.

i don't understand either. but i love them.

and the problem with being a person who loves people enough to sidestep their tender feelings
is that you get pushed around and told what to do by other people's emotions, even if no one is speaking.
and even though they hurt you sometimes, you don't speak out.


but it's ok.

because you can just deal with it. you'll get over it. you aren't offended.


right?
wrong.

I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I understand. I'm sorry. 
I'm. Sorry.

apologies

little girl,

 i failed you.

i tried to warn you about the wolves

but i guess i forgot to warn you about me.

i just like you is all

i don't remember it feeling this lovely.
i don't remember it feeling this calm.
i don't remember it feeling this natural.
i don't remember it feeling this peace.
i don't remember it feeling this comfortable.
i don't remember it feeling this carefree.
i don't remember it feeling this way.


and maybe i just forgot what it felt like.
but either way...

i like the way this feels right now.

i thought i'd feel awful.
i've never felt more wonderful.

and i never thought i'd be arizona
but i'm finding that we breathe the same air,
you and i.

so please darling, don't let go of my heart
and i won't let go of your hand.


i don't know where this trail is leading... if anywhere at all
but i really like the view so far.

Dangerous Waters

Please tell me you don't think of me as much as I think of you.

Because that would cause complications.

I mean, I want you to think of me as much as I think of you...

But really, don't.

Please.



Well... Maybe a little. 

Aimlessly

This new world is expansive and confining.
Because while the world may not have fences, it possesses leashes
Yanking me back to my past state every time I attempt to run loose.

I'm upset and confused and nervous and restless and static.
And my heart feels like crying endlessly and pitifully
But my smile wants to shine and attract and brighten.

Simultaneously wanting to curl into quiet nothingness
And finally be alone
But also willing myself to burst into a thousand pieces
and wishing that maybe
possibly
hopefully
one of those pieces will be brought back to me by a kind soul.

Maybe a certain 6'5" soul with blonde hair.

But I don't want a piece of his heart.
No.
I just want a smile. A reassurance. A text. A laugh. A thumbs up on a hard day.

A friend.

But while wishing for that explosion
I crave Your steadiness, to make sure that all the pieces get put back.

Because maybe that 6'5" soul will bring back one piece,
But You know where all of the pieces go.
And I haven't forgotten that.
And I won't.
I promise.

But I don't know how to do this without You here,
And I'm beginning to worry that maybe
I wouldn't know how to do it even if You were.