heart algebra

number one was never supposed to exist, which is probably why he dissolved at 0.75. the risk was too great, the numbers didn't add up.

number two was what appeared to be the grand finale. fireworks, rolling drum lines of heartbeats, blurring colored smoke. two was built on the idea of eternity; but two is divisible, even if he didn't believe it. so divided it became.

number three was a flicker not even worth mentioning, despite all the talk of three being a magic number. 

number four surprised all. as a multiple of two, i feared the same divisible fate. but four brought more to the table than two ever did. more stable, as he brought the two extra numbers, four is trust. four is sensitive. four is logic. four is my heart.

the next numbers don't exist yet, and who knows how high they'll go.

 all i know is that
one taught me how to dream
 two will always and forever be a snippet of eternity
three will always make me feel awkward inside
and four will never let me forget that love is spelled with his many letters

to the humans

to the girl with the cello on her back-
    i had a dream about you that made me wary... which angers me. because i think you have a kind soul and i wanted us to be friends. i'm sorry if i can't see you that way now. it's my subconscious's fault, not yours.

to the boy with the stereo on the back of his backpack-
    you were the closest i got to making a friend in the ward, and then i blew it by not going over for the mario tournament. sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i had... i'd probably be more social.

to the girl with the light up pillow pet-
     i'm sorry that i'm distant and quiet and the messiest. i have a feeling that this isn't what you envisioned, and tbh it's not what i envisioned either. i'd leave, but i love you.

to the boy with the tie die socks and the bright eyes-
    you made me feel like i could do this whole college thing, that one time we talked. and now i see that you're in men's chorus and since i was the one who told you about auditions that one time we talked, i'd like to think i had something to do with that.

to the girl with all the boys falling over her-
    i'm sorry that the one boy you fell over decided to stand up. i wish i knew what advice to give, how about over a jamba?

to the girl with the curly hair and strong heart-
     i'm so proud of you, and i'm so sorry that i'm so distant. i love you.

to the boy with the texas accent and libertarian ideals-
    thanks for being his friend, and thanks for helping me with poli-sci.

to the girl with the nose piercing-
    you turned out to be everything i expected and feared you would be... but you aren't so bad. we're very different creatures, you and i, but you've taught me a lot.

to the boy an ocean and a year away-
    i'm sorry i failed you. and i'm sorry i haven't written in two weeks.... i promise it's been an accident each time. i looked at old pictures yesterday and was tempted to cry, but then i realized that i had no need and no tears. we've good memories and i'll never forget you, but i'm done. sorry.

to the girl with the little red hood-
     you aren't so innocent anymore, which is probably good. but it came at an invisible cost that i don't think you've realized yet. your pride has always been your unconscious downfall, and i honestly don't feel like talking to you anymore. but i promise i will, because for all the loss of innocence, you still need an older sister. sorry to you, too.

to the 6'5" boy with the handel's messiah stuck in his head,
     thank you for allowing a lost and unorganized human such as myself to be with you. thank you for showing me that my life is still unwritten and full of unknown. thank you for the softness and goodness. i love you.

i'm dealing with it.

the problem with being a person who just "deals with it" is that you're the minority.
the problem with being a person who silently gets over things is that other people aren't.
the problem with being a person who isn't easily offended is that you don't know the rules.

so you learn the rules.

and then your shoes get worn out from tiptoeing everyone's feelings
and now you know how to not offend people
because heaven forbid that you should wake their upset heart
because that's when the true trouble begins

because most people aren't afraid to tell you when they're offended and that they aren't going to get over it unless this and this and this and this and you're always in the wrong but they never are because you never speak up even when they over speak up and you just can't because they just don't understand.

i don't understand either. but i love them.

and the problem with being a person who loves people enough to sidestep their tender feelings
is that you get pushed around and told what to do by other people's emotions, even if no one is speaking.
and even though they hurt you sometimes, you don't speak out.


but it's ok.

because you can just deal with it. you'll get over it. you aren't offended.


right?
wrong.

I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I understand. I'm sorry. 
I'm. Sorry.

apologies

little girl,

 i failed you.

i tried to warn you about the wolves

but i guess i forgot to warn you about me.

i just like you is all

i don't remember it feeling this lovely.
i don't remember it feeling this calm.
i don't remember it feeling this natural.
i don't remember it feeling this peace.
i don't remember it feeling this comfortable.
i don't remember it feeling this carefree.
i don't remember it feeling this way.


and maybe i just forgot what it felt like.
but either way...

i like the way this feels right now.

i thought i'd feel awful.
i've never felt more wonderful.

and i never thought i'd be arizona
but i'm finding that we breathe the same air,
you and i.

so please darling, don't let go of my heart
and i won't let go of your hand.


i don't know where this trail is leading... if anywhere at all
but i really like the view so far.

Dangerous Waters

Please tell me you don't think of me as much as I think of you.

Because that would cause complications.

I mean, I want you to think of me as much as I think of you...

But really, don't.

Please.



Well... Maybe a little. 

Aimlessly

This new world is expansive and confining.
Because while the world may not have fences, it possesses leashes
Yanking me back to my past state every time I attempt to run loose.

I'm upset and confused and nervous and restless and static.
And my heart feels like crying endlessly and pitifully
But my smile wants to shine and attract and brighten.

Simultaneously wanting to curl into quiet nothingness
And finally be alone
But also willing myself to burst into a thousand pieces
and wishing that maybe
possibly
hopefully
one of those pieces will be brought back to me by a kind soul.

Maybe a certain 6'5" soul with blonde hair.

But I don't want a piece of his heart.
No.
I just want a smile. A reassurance. A text. A laugh. A thumbs up on a hard day.

A friend.

But while wishing for that explosion
I crave Your steadiness, to make sure that all the pieces get put back.

Because maybe that 6'5" soul will bring back one piece,
But You know where all of the pieces go.
And I haven't forgotten that.
And I won't.
I promise.

But I don't know how to do this without You here,
And I'm beginning to worry that maybe
I wouldn't know how to do it even if You were.

terror and disney cliches

this little sparrow is about to jump out of the nest
and she's finally releasing her pride enough to say
that she's absolutely terrified.

there's no one to catch me at the bottom.
my hero has his arms tied behind his back
and unlike the marvel movies or scriptures
the ropes need to remain tight.

because while, like the aladdin to my jasmine,
You could show me the world...
You can't show me provo.
not yet.

because the reality of a whole new world
is that it has to be new
and it wouldn't be new if You caught me.

i suppose i simply must learn to fly

but with my own unsure wings
not with a carpet.

Wordflowers

Your words gaze at me with sepia eyes

filled with speckles of cornflower blue

dressed like a fleet of princes
all charm and pure gallantry

but hiding an innocent boy

innocent, yes, but not naive

we hopped that fence together long ago
with iced fairy smoke in our lungs
and snapshots of time painted on our cheeks in coral lipstick

maybe we ran too far away
hand in hand over the blooming flowerbeds
both looking too far ahead
to notice the dangerous stones directly below our soles

but Love, i loved that journey
as long as i don't have to walk back alone

but this isn't about that
this is about Your words
and how they're filled with speckles of cornflower blue

washing me with the hope of an eternal spring
after a world of winter

bitter taste

little girl, little girl
living life with doe eyes and rubber limbs
naive to the important
but an expert on the cracks in the sidewalk

whispering what ifs into the wind
instead of picking the freshly bloomed opportunities
dreaming, but not chasing

little girl, little girl
time moves faster than you think
and soon the training wheels must be taken off
because the road to the future is calling
and the bike lanes are quite narrow

one can't play hide and seek with life forever
the future is too good at finding
no one can hide for that long

yes, i know the smaller ones are easier to color
but there's some pretty amazing big pictures out there too
it just takes perspective

darling, we'll still watch disney movies every weekend
and whisper our dreams to stuffed animals
blowing pink wishes on dandelions and stars

and it'll still be ok to color outside of the lines sometimes
you can even bring your broken crayons in your back pocket
just remember that some things need to be signed in pen

and maybe that isn't fun
or exciting
and maybe it's even a little scary

but little girl, little girl,

it's reality.

wolves go after the innocent and
little girl, little girl

i really can't bear to have you eaten.

Stars

You shone for me tonight.

You sent your iridescent  rays of magic from billions of miles away just to say.......

You know, I've been talking to you for my whole life, asking for the same thing.

And 19 months ago our one-sided conversations got just a bit more specific.

I thought that maybe we had a bad connection for a while, 

all those unidentified flying wish killers and martians getting in the way.

But then I assumed you were just ignoring me, 

a little insignificant child in a world full of significance.

It hurt, but I understood.

However, tonight you finally sent your response.

I saw your words glinting an unmistakable
  yes,
exploding with shooting stars.

They were even visible through the clouds that tried to mask your brilliance.

And the following raindrops?

Blessings straight from heaven,

Dousing me with stardust and peace and glimmers of hope

and washing away the fear and darkness.

I used to be jealous of the girls who had a fairy godmother.

Now I realize that I've got millions of them. 

All it ever takes is a wish.

From Further Along

They're carving their names on our tree.
I pray they don't accidentally carve ours out.

They're twiddling each other's fingers.
I put that old plastic ring on and pretend it's Your hand.

She's waiting for him to text.
I've ran to the mailbox for 6 weeks straight.

He's whispering "I Love You" in her ear.
I read it a week later.

They're hold each other as the tears fall.
I squeeze that old stuffed animal.

They're missing after one day of not seeing each other.
We miss everyday for 8 months.

They're crying after having to say goodbye.
I still do.

They've just begun.
We're halfway through.

They feel.
I remember.


We were once blissfully them.

But now we're perfectly Us.

And while I sometimes miss being blissfully them,

There's a reason we're perfectly Us now.

Manchester

the windows were down
the wind shrieked at 80 mph
but while everyone else covered their ears
I listened for Your name


and I found it.

eight

time is blowing grains of hope in my face

and i can't tell if i'm getting exfoliated or weathered down

7

almost 

8

they never thought 

but We did

and maybe You did more than i at first

then because of You i had the courage to believe

and now here We are

 but the wind is picking up and my courage is transforming

i can't tell if it's waxing or waning

or maybe it's just becoming something entirely different 

like

belief

faith

trust

flour

maybe

my biggest fear is of change

but not that You'll change

because i'm already aware that that's happened

i Love You more for it

i'm scared that i'll change

that i already have 

what if i shrunk 

while You skyrocketed?

 if so

please be willing to let me climb to Your level

because i've got weak arms
 but a determined heart

that much won't change.

netflix made me do this

I've spent way too much time watching Friends this summer.

The thing is, I don't even really like the show that much.

It's kind of full of trashy people doing kind of trashy things.

But sometimes it makes me laugh.

And even though I know they're gonna end up together (but also breakup at least 5 more times before then),
Watching Rachel and Ross's relationship makes me smile.

Plus the episodes are only 20 minutes long, which is the perfect amount of time to consider making something healthy...
but then make mac and cheese instead.

So I watch it.

But pretty soon I'm only going to have reruns of Friends to watch.

And every time I hit "Watch Next Episode", I feel a little bit of Rerun-ness enter my life.

At this rate, I'll be playing on the stations without cable at 3 AM by August.

I don't want to live a rerun.

I want new.
I want fresh.
I want to live every day like a pilot episode.
(But only the promising ones)

So this is the first pilot episode of my summer,
my real beginning.

Here's to pressing play.