heart algebra

number one was never supposed to exist, which is probably why he dissolved at 0.75. the risk was too great, the numbers didn't add up.

number two was what appeared to be the grand finale. fireworks, rolling drum lines of heartbeats, blurring colored smoke. two was built on the idea of eternity; but two is divisible, even if he didn't believe it. so divided it became.

number three was a flicker not even worth mentioning, despite all the talk of three being a magic number. 

number four surprised all. as a multiple of two, i feared the same divisible fate. but four brought more to the table than two ever did. more stable, as he brought the two extra numbers, four is trust. four is sensitive. four is logic. four is my heart.

the next numbers don't exist yet, and who knows how high they'll go.

 all i know is that
one taught me how to dream
 two will always and forever be a snippet of eternity
three will always make me feel awkward inside
and four will never let me forget that love is spelled with his many letters

to the humans

to the girl with the cello on her back-
    i had a dream about you that made me wary... which angers me. because i think you have a kind soul and i wanted us to be friends. i'm sorry if i can't see you that way now. it's my subconscious's fault, not yours.

to the boy with the stereo on the back of his backpack-
    you were the closest i got to making a friend in the ward, and then i blew it by not going over for the mario tournament. sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i had... i'd probably be more social.

to the girl with the light up pillow pet-
     i'm sorry that i'm distant and quiet and the messiest. i have a feeling that this isn't what you envisioned, and tbh it's not what i envisioned either. i'd leave, but i love you.

to the boy with the tie die socks and the bright eyes-
    you made me feel like i could do this whole college thing, that one time we talked. and now i see that you're in men's chorus and since i was the one who told you about auditions that one time we talked, i'd like to think i had something to do with that.

to the girl with all the boys falling over her-
    i'm sorry that the one boy you fell over decided to stand up. i wish i knew what advice to give, how about over a jamba?

to the girl with the curly hair and strong heart-
     i'm so proud of you, and i'm so sorry that i'm so distant. i love you.

to the boy with the texas accent and libertarian ideals-
    thanks for being his friend, and thanks for helping me with poli-sci.

to the girl with the nose piercing-
    you turned out to be everything i expected and feared you would be... but you aren't so bad. we're very different creatures, you and i, but you've taught me a lot.

to the boy an ocean and a year away-
    i'm sorry i failed you. and i'm sorry i haven't written in two weeks.... i promise it's been an accident each time. i looked at old pictures yesterday and was tempted to cry, but then i realized that i had no need and no tears. we've good memories and i'll never forget you, but i'm done. sorry.

to the girl with the little red hood-
     you aren't so innocent anymore, which is probably good. but it came at an invisible cost that i don't think you've realized yet. your pride has always been your unconscious downfall, and i honestly don't feel like talking to you anymore. but i promise i will, because for all the loss of innocence, you still need an older sister. sorry to you, too.

to the 6'5" boy with the handel's messiah stuck in his head,
     thank you for allowing a lost and unorganized human such as myself to be with you. thank you for showing me that my life is still unwritten and full of unknown. thank you for the softness and goodness. i love you.